It’s dissatisfying watching Dragon’s Den on Dave Ja Vu all day for two crucial reasons. The first being that instead of having a job and earning some money myself, I’m wasting my time watching the most sour-faced turds on the face of this stupid planet scowling and grumbling despite the fact that if one of them developed a brain tumor the size of a watermelon and put all their money on Eddie Van Halen winning the Grand National, they’d still be in a far stronger financial situation than me by tea time thanks to a life time of clever investments.



The second reason it’s sad is that all the romance has gone from the world of invention. I’m sure when Dragon’s Den was developed and in pre-production, everyone imagined that the contestants would be eccentric, white bearded old men who stink of piss, waddling up to the dragons to pitch their idea for a lizard powered bicycle that will carry a team of astro-men to Proximus Centauri and back in seven seconds. Well that’s what I thought it would be like anyway and it’s not. Every time a proper old school inventor does make an appearance from his shed to pitch a rain-proof washing line or gadget made from cogs and pulley’s they invariably get told to piss off back to the stone age and die.



The only ideas that get taken seriously are those conceived by some greasy little computer programmes student in a shit shirt who’s built a micro chip that counts money taken by slot machines or a micro chip that prevents file sharing or a micro chip that stops helicopters exploding in a ball of hilarious flames. The problem is that this is progress. We need all these boring little chips and programmes and the probably make the world – certainly the one we’ve created – a better place. It’s progress and it’s ever so dull.

So let us salute the mad old inventors who achieve absolutely nothing in their sheds and basements for soon they shall be a thing of the past like penny-farthing’s and codpieces.

Oh and one more thing. Dragons live in a ‘lair’. Lions live in a "den" - Pricks.